Dissociated Press and False Flag Weekly News as featured on Bitchute
Acknowledging that America is never going to be great again, Donald Trump has added a “B” to his MAGA brand. The new plan, MAGBA, is to Make America Great Big Again.
“Size counts,” Trump chortled at this morning’s press conference, pointing lewdly at his crotch. “So let’s make America YUGE!”
Trump proceeded to ostentatiously sign an executive order adding over five million square miles to America’s girth by devouring Canada and Greenland and renaming the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America.” The new supersized country will be renamed Big Fat America (BFA) and will feature 500-pound rapper Dank Demoss as official mascot.
“Everything is bigger and fatter in America,” Trump bragged. “We have big fat buildings, big fat cars, big fat houses with big fat yards. We have big fat Wal-Marts, big fat expense accounts, big fat bloated Pentagon budgets, and a big fat grossly overvalued currency. And source of all that obesity, the secret of our bigness, is our big fat people!”
Trump canceled Health Secretary nominee RFK Jr.’s plans to ban high-fructose corn syrup, and instead signed an executive order mandating that every American consume at least 100 grams per day of the newly-renamed “Bigness Elixir.” Illegal immigrants and Democrats who fail to fulfill their consumption quotas of Bigness Elixir will be arrested by the newly-renamed DHSB (Department of Homeland Security and Bigness) and sent to Guantanamo until all of Cuba sinks under its weight, thereby killing two proverbial birds with one stone.
Trump finished his press conference by appointing Dank Demoss as National Mascot and Secretary of National Bigness. Her first mission will be attempt to cram herself into a C32-A which will attempt a dangerously overloaded takeoff at Dulles Airport as well as an equally problematic landing in Moscow, where she will negotiate an end to the Ukraine war by aggressively rapping at Putin and threatening to sit on him if he fails to capitulate. Future diplomatic missions will feature her threatening to sit on Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, and Rahbar Ali Khamenei.
Trump added that since the Jewish lobby is the great big fat ten trillion pound elephant in the living room of American politics, he would never, ever even dream of ordering Dank Demoss to threaten to sit on Netanyahu.